Sup, Squares!

You may not be entirely aware of this, or perhaps you just ignored it, but we have a Venom movie coming to theaters pretty soon. Oh cool, you might be thinking, another Marvel movie featuring a classic Spider-Man villain! So does this take place before Infinity War or what? Well interestingly enough, Venom actually takes place in it’s own isolated universe separate from the other Marvel heroes. That means no Infinity War, no Avengers, and no Spider-Man.

What? Yeah.

This is all part of the Sony Universe of Marvel Characters, a new “cinematic universe” that Sony has been trying to get off the ground since The Amazing Spider-Man 2. If Venom turns out to be the big hit Sony clearly wants it to be, the studio already has plans for movies featuring other characters like Silver Sable, Jackpot, and Morbius the Living Vampire, to name but a few. Whether or not this experiment succeeds, the idea of making movies based on these Spider-Man characters, without Spider-Man actually being in them, intrigued me.

It got me to thinking, as long as Sony is looking for ideas, perhaps I could pitch a few of my own. Full disclosure: I haven’t really put a ton of thought into these; I’m basically just pulling names out of a hat here and seeing what I can come up with. On that note, presented in no particular order are ten movie pitches for movies Sony could totally use for their cinematic universe, each in a hundred words or less!


PITCH #1 — THE SENIOR SIX

Ocean’s 11, but half the people and twice as old. Also, everyone has superpowers.

sinisterloitering
Source: Observer

THE STORY

Six former super-villains find their retirement plans threatened when a team of youngsters attacks them and robs their vault. Out of legal options, the old villains decide to dust off their costumes, get their money back, and teach these punks the true meaning of “sinister”.

WHY I LOVE IT

We’ve seen plenty of the younger heroes and villains. I want to see a bunch of sixty and seventy year-olds put on some spandex and punch some millennials.


PITCH #2 — WEBB M.D.

What if The Raid: Redemption was set in a hospital?

AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHH
Source: Healthcare Success

THE STORY

An underground hospital for people with powers is under siege when a group of Enforcers come to silence a recently admitted patient. The only thing standing between them is a couple doctors and some very broken super-people.

WHY I LOVE IT

Fights that feature a dozen stupid goons against a superhero almost always end with the goons getting curb-stomped. It’s time we level the playing field. Now the heroes have to deal with the same goons along with two broken legs and a catheter.


PITCH #3 — ROCKET RACER

Mad Max: Fury Road but set in Houston, Texas in the middle of the radical 90’s.

thebesticoulddo
Source: Flyboard

THE STORY

A brilliant teen inventor struggles to support his family by competing in a dangerous but lucrative street race, where the only rule is your ride must have wheels. So he does what any kid would do in his situation: he builds a rocket-powered skateboard.

WHY I LOVE IT

It’s no secret that 90’s nostalgia is in right now, and what’s more 90’s than a superhero skateboarder? I’ll be honest though, all I really want to see is Big Wheel in IMAX.


PITCH #4 — SLINGERS

Have you seen the New Mutants trailer yet? Well, all of that.

The-Xtreme-Justice-League (1).jpg
Source: The Mirror

THE STORY

Four teenagers stumble upon superhero costumes that grant each of them superhuman abilities. It’s not until much later that they discover the powers are demonic in nature and the suits have bonded to them, slowly corrupting their minds. Will they break free, or become emissaries of evil?

WHY I LOVE IT

I may not be the world’s biggest horror fan, but it wouldn’t hurt to explore superheroes through the lens of other genres. Horror seems like a pretty natural fit, taking super-powers back to their historically satanic roots.


PITCH #5 — SCREWBALL

Think Hardcore Henry but with more funny costumes.

screwball
Source: Daily Mail

THE STORY

Screwball” is a live-streaming celebrity who parkours through the streets of New York City, following big-time superheroes and getting all the best action shots. When she accidentally reveals a young hero unmasked during one of her broadcasts, she decides to go off-script to protect the kid whose life she just destroyed.

WHY I LOVE IT

I’m not big on live-streamers, but the idea of an online celebrity dealing with the consequences of her actions while fighting off gangsters and super-villains? Yeah, I’d watch that.


PITCH #6 — CHAT

What if Pixar decided to make a Dr Doolittle Jr. movie?

chat
Source: NPR

THE STORY

Sofia Sanduval, a girl who can talk to animals, stumbles upon a large alien creature under the streets of California, quickly befriending the beast. When a world famous teenage hunter arrives in search of new prey, it’s up to Sofia to protect her new friend.

WHY I LOVE IT

Admittedly the “kid with monster best friend” story isn’t terribly original, but I believe an animated film for all ages would be a great icebreaker for kids (and parents) who may not necessarily be into straight-up superhero movies.


PITCH #7 — SOLO ACT

An action thriller somewhere between Logan and Black Hawk Down.

we're so screwed
Source: Explain This Image

THE STORY

Solo” (no relation), aka James Bourne (also no relation), is a special forces operative with limited teleportation powers. His latest mission has him pulling a valuable scientist out of a war torn country, but finds more than he bargained for when the scientist insists on bringing his new family. With limited resources and four times as many people to rescue, Solo has to face enemy “supers” who are coming to kill them all before they ever cross the border.

WHY I LOVE IT

Soldiers with superpowers. Seriously, why hasn’t anyone done this yet?


PITCH #8 — THE WRAITH

The Punisher meets Lethal Weapon.

maggie q or i walk

THE STORY

Captain Yuri Watanabe is tired of throwing super-villains in prisons and waiting for them to escape and kill again, especially when her brother ends up as a casualty. After raiding the evidence locker and taking whatever super-villain gear she can find, she begins taking criminals out one by one until she finds the person who created the weapons that killed her brother.

WHY I LOVE IT

I just really like the idea of a normal 9-to-5 cop grabbing a bunch of random super-villain tech and seeking vengeance, just figuring it out as she goes along.


PITCH #9 — MARKO

The Big Lebowski if Jeff Bridges worked for the mob.

MARKO
Source: Gold Stitch

THE STORY

A week in the life of an enforcer named “Man Mountain Marko“, who has to track down an ancient magical tablet he misplaced, something his current employer desperately wants. He crosses paths with a powerful crime lord, a crazy reporter, and one over-ambitious superhero, but all Marko wants to do is work on his singing career. Hilarity and beat-downs ensue.

WHY I LOVE IT

Watching a low stakes “dramedy” about a thug trying to get out of the super-villain life sounds like the perfect palette cleanser after the usual big budget blockbusters.


PITCH #10 — HOWL!

I‘ve saved the nuttiest one for last, so buckle up.

MANWOOOOOLF
Source: White Wolf Pack

THE “STORY”

Two astronauts are the only ones still alive after their spaceship returns from Jupiter. They’re taken to a private location where the billionaire who owned the ship can investigate. The first astronaut begins releasing spores through the lab, turning doctors into dangerous animal hybrids. The only hope of stopping them is the second astronaut who has retained his mind and morphs into a giant “man-wolf” to battle them.

WHY I LOVE IT

The day I don’t want to see wolf-men fight alien monsters is the day I die.


Well, that turned out to be way more work than I thought it’d be when I started. Turns out coming up with ten different movie ideas on the fly is pretty tricky. Who knew, right?

Well, I’m gonna go take a three hour nap and then maybe watch some mindless television. I’ve got nothing left in the tank, but if you have any Spider-Man characters you’d like to pitch movies for I’d be happy to read them in the comments. I promise I won’t sell them to Sony, unless they’re, like, really good.

Later, Squares!


All images used for the purpose of this post are the property of their respective owners and have been credited appropriately. I own nothing.

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